I have this overwhelming need to finish things, leave no stone unturned in pursuit of justice or closure and hang on for far too long. This is a lesson I seem to be taking a lifetime to learn!
It shows up when I least expect it and I go round and round in self flagellating circles looking for answers and reasons and justifications – arrgh! It’s like I need to know every little detail of the situation to understand why, when, where and how. I am like a TV detective in meltdown!
If a relationship goes sour, or there is a misunderstanding I replay the movie and reflect on each frame, searching for answers. Sometimes this unnatural investigation for closure uncovers even more questions and I get well and truly stuck! This behaviour is from the same stable as not being able to put down an unfinished book or walk out of the cinema when I am not enjoying the film, or exit a situation without being heard. Gosh I sound like a psychopath! I hope I am not alone?
In the early days of my speaking and training career I would scour all the feedback forms after a gig or a seminar honing in on the negative ones and totally disregarding the glowing, life changing comments in favour of over analysing the occasional person who did not get me!
Now, I can get this in perspective. I am not unravelling, honest! I know these actions are linked to my Little Miss Perfect tendencies and the need to be liked and 99% of the time I sail on by with a smile and a strident ‘whatever’. However, when I am over tired or stressed I see her peaking over the hill and I have to stand tall and ramp up my inner dialogue to put her back in her box!
I know I am not here to get answers, I am here to walk through the lessons with as much love in my heart as possible and I know the importance of letting go. I get that I am not supposed to know all the answers and uncertainty is a given but uncertainty is not the issue for me, I love uncertainty, I thrive in a constantly changing environment, I positively embrace failure and growth. I just want to give everything my best shot whilst I am here. The lesson for me here is twofold:
1. I can only control and get closure on my own journey . It is not my job nor my purpose to walk everyone else through my drill!
2. Closure is over rated and often unattainable. Better to let go, pick up what lessons you can and move on.
Controlling everything does not give you power, it gives you a blinding headache! Own your truth, live by your own values and principals and in all things if it’s not feeding you, dump it, FAST!